Living With Bipolar Disorder

I don't know why at some point in my life, I was interested to study Psychology. Perhaps, God had His own reasons for that. But then I understand that learning Psychology does not mean that you try to read people's characters. It is simply to understand more of yourself. I read quite a lot of psychological books. Mostly about relationships, self healing, self help, and motivational books. It's kind of new for me and it makes me understand more about people. People have so many underlying reasons before doing an action. For example, why someone acts very cold towards you. After you learn about the person, he or she may have childhood issues. He might be neglected by his parents. Or she might be compared with her siblings that made her insecure. Thus, we cannot simply judge a person based on the action, but also on the motives as well. It's pretty interesting to learn that.

In addition to learning about people's characters, I also learn about some mental disorders like narcicissm, psychopathy, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and borderline disorder too. I also tried to diagnose myself actually. I always thought something was wrong with me. Then I did all the tests for mental disorder and the results were mostly close to bipolar disorder. I haven't sought for medical advice about my issue. Even my parents do not know about this (possible) disorder that I have. I was very scared when I first found out I had bipolar. I didn't know who to talk and my parents will not understand the struggle I am going through. 

People will not notice if someone has bipolar disorder. On the outlook, they look normal. Little did they know that I struggle everyday. There are moments when my thoughts are racing. There are so many things in my brain and I feel like it will explode. There are moments too when it is very calm and relaxing. The unrest feeling part is the depressive episode. During the depressive episode I oftenly cry with no reason. I have no energy to do day to day activities. I leave my room so messy. I sleep a lot and I eat whatever I want. Yes, I am indulged in emotional eating. I usually gain so much weight during this episode. My mother sometimes notices about my weight gain and she then complains. I only explain to her, mom when you see me gaining weight it means I am depressed. She doesn't really understand what I am saying but then decides not to ask further. Perhaps because she is prone to stress too. That's why really I choose not to tell anyone about my problem. 

Depressive moment usually lasts for weeks and sometimes for months. Then there is this second episode which is called manic episode. During this episode, I am very active and happy. It is like my chest is going to burst out due to excitement. I have so many ideas, so many projects to do. I can accomplish almost everything. This is the happiest time in my life. I feel so high. I can be over confident during this episode. It is hard for me to remember what typical things I do or say during this episode. Because I feel like it happens very very fast. I don't even have time to memorize everything. One thing I remember was sometimes I did shopping spree without considering my financial capacity. One of the impulsive moments was when I applied for mortgage while I didn't have enough money. Well, finally I canceled it though. But I think that was one of the reckless decisions I made during my manic episode.

I have already accepted my condition as it is. I notice that if I exercise regularly and eat healthy food, the depressive episode will not appear oftenly. So I try to plan my week with many exercises. And luckily I am now teaching swimming too which helps me a lot to maintain my mood swing. However, it is very often during depressive episode when I feel very hard to wake up from bed, moreover doing exercise. 

I believe it is a God's test for me to pass. It is gonna be my lifetime's struggle. Perhaps, it is also one of the reasons why I am still single. Because no man can handle my sudden mood swing :D

My only hope is that my bipolar disorder will not get worse in the future, even it will heal eventually. Aameen :)