Jumat, 07 April 2017

Dear You, Yes, You

Do you know why I contacted you again intensively? It was because I was lonely. Deep down I know that you will not change. Everything is not going to change no matter how many times I try differently. It will always be the same. You're going to be the same and your actions are too. Sometimes I feel so weak to keep coming back to you. I keep doing things I used to do. Getting your attention. Hoping this time it will be different. But actually not. It's gonna be the same unless there's a miracle. Do I believe in miracle? I do. But not everyone is so lucky to have that. So I guess I have to stick to the rules, not the exception. But I don't want to beat myself up. I want to pardon myself. Loneliness is common. People get lonely from time to time. This too shall pass. But this writing is going to serve as a reminder that everything now is not the same like it used to be. I have learned my lessons and I have to move on. I should not try to get your attention anymore. I should just leave you alone. Don't get me wrong, I have forgiven you with all my heart. There is no grudge feeling anymore toward you. It's just that when I talk to you again everything in the past was flashing back uncontrollably. I just don't want to experience that. I want to be with someone new. Someone with whom I feel secure. Not doubtful like I used to feel about you. There is nothing wrong with you we just wanted different things. I hope life takes us to new places better for you and me. Or if God has destined us to be together, I hope we will meet again in a better circumstance, whatever it is. It's such a lie when people say "you'll get over him". You can never get over someone you once cared about. He was kept in an album, and sometimes you look it up just for reminiscing the old story. I think I am not ready to come back to that old story between us right now. So let me walk away from you. I just don't want the loneliness to be the sole reason why we're together again. I want us to be together for different reasons. Otherwise, we walk separate ways. Forever.

But there is one thing for sure, I will never forget you.....

Rabu, 08 Maret 2017

I No Longer Want To Be A Trash Can Of People's Negativity

I am the first child in my family. And since I was child, I got used to become the listener of my parents' problems, especially my mother. My mother told me everything about my family's problems. Therefore, I grew up as an empath. I don't complain a lot because I know my parents are struggling too with their own problems. I am sensitive to people's problems and I can be a good listener too. However this trait is like a double-edged sword. When I meet people who have the same traits as me, those people vibe well with me. They become my confidants. We give and take equally. But this world is full of positive and also negative people. Sometimes I meet negative people. They are the people who complain a lot, blame everything, and take everything for granted. These people manage to transfer the negativity to others to gain support, to ask for empathy, to dump their problems. They are unable to solve their problems by themselves. These people take so much but give very little. And in my life I have met several people with these traits. Back in the university, I had one close friend. We were very close at first. But then she started being negative and dumped all her problems to me. I tried to accept her and gave her advices, but she kept refusing to accept others' advice. And the worse part also, she lied to me. Like a lot. I gave up on her. She cried and begged me to come back. It was so tiring to have that kind of friendship. And it turned out that not only me who felt that way. My two other friends who were close with her also felt the same. They felt that she was too much and they did not trust her anymore.

It's just one example of unhealthy friendship I had in the past. In recent years I have encountered various kind of people. I have met psychopath, narcissist, self-absorbed, whatever you call it. People who want attention. People who are not sincere. People who are inauthentic. I took that as a learning process. I learn to identify which people deserve your time and which people don't. It's still difficult for me to create boundaries, honestly. Because deep down inside, I always believe I should give them chances. May be they will change, may be they will be better if I change my treatment to them, may be they will change if I act nicer. And the answer is NO. People don't change easily. People change because they realize they have problems and they want to change. People don't change no matter how you tell them. It's something you can't comprehend and something you can't expect from people. 

So when my friendship is continuously overwhelming. When it keeps making me doubtful and upset because of the negative things they share, why should I be friends with that person? Why should I keep listening to their problems when I can say NO? Why should I keep feeding their ego by becoming their shoulder to cry on? Why should I be the trash can? 

A good positive person will not complain a lot. They see problems as challenges. When they have conflict with someone else, they try to see whether they are on the wrong side as well and not judging or blaming. They don't criticize others often and more of a supporter for whatever decision someone has made. They don't see their friends as "a competition". They know how to make decisions without relying on others. They deal with their problems effectively and quickly. I don't say it's not fine to complain. But there is a limit to it. When people keep coming back with the same complains on and on again, it means there is a problem with those people. Whether they can't make a decision or they are too stubborn to change or accept others' advice. They avoid toxic people and spend more time with positive like-minded people.

Kamis, 23 Februari 2017

Running and Weight Loss: New Purposes

I am such a weak person. Whenever I am depressed I run to food. I gain weight and unfortunately it takes more time for me to lose it. My last depression was because of Mr. D. I was stupid to be depressed because of him. But it was surely hard to move on. I didn't realize I put on 10 kgs at that time of grieving. Gosh, it was like living  in a black hole with nothing to hope. But I am glad that I am over it. I don't have the slightest feeling anymore towards him. I even text him randomly sometimes but I have not met him in person since 2015. Well, I guess it's not necessary. I have nothing against him anymore and we are in good terms. That's enough.

So basically early last year I had been realizing how heavy I was. I kept saying to myself that I had to change. I could not be lazy and depressed anymore or I would die due to obesity. Ironically I have lost weight in 2013 quite a lot amount of it and I gained more weight again. I hated to be in this yo yo cycle. I need something to make my weight stable. So I chose running. Actually I had started morning walk since 2013 but not regularly. And in 2016 I decided to try running. I did not just run. I started with fast walking then I jogged then ran. Even though may be runners will still call me a jogger because I think I am still slow, but I'll just call myself a runner haha. I must tell you the moment I tried running, I had love at first run. My body felt so good after an hour of run. I began to run regularly in the morning. I bought my first running shoes. Hell yeah, it's the most expensive shoes I have. And then I found my running buddy, Cika, and we started to run once a week in a proper running track. There is something I can't explain about the feeling I have after running. I get this runner's high. I feel struck of happiness due to endorphins running through my blood. That's what makes me addicted to run. And magically, something happens. Running has also helped me maintain my emotional level. I am mostly happy if I run regularly. I don't have racing thoughts anymore. I don't dwell into negative thoughts. I don't experience low self esteem anymore. To be honest I am mostly positive. And I love it. I don't say I never have low moments or setbacks. But it's pretty much reduced after I run regularly. I always think I have bipolar. And running has helped me to control my mood swings. Do you know the movie Silver Linings Playbook? It tells us that exercise is a good way to cope with bipolar disorder. Bradley Cooper copes it with running. And J-Law by dancing. With exercise we have purposes in life. Routines and regularity keeps people with bipolar disorder in control and in check. I lost 5 kilos by running regularly and no I did not do any diet in 2016.

I need to shed 5 more kilos actually but this month I decide to add my goal into 10 kilos with diet too. I avoid carbs for dinner and only eat fruits every night. I add my exercise into 4-5 times a week. And I eat more vegetables and also brown rice too. I never really like diet because I am a foodie. But I know it should be done to be healthier. You need to sacrifice if you want to achieve something. And giving up fast food may not be a very bad sacrifice though. I've been eating that a lot so why don't I reduce it now.

I hope I can maintain this lifestyle for the rest of my life and live well.

Jumat, 06 Januari 2017

Bon Voyage, Mon Amie

I just received the news that someone I really admire just passed away. Yes just now, today on this blessed Jumuah day. Tears streaming down my face knowing this news. I have ever said to myself, "I admire you. I'll be your forever fans". I have only known him for 3 days during our trip to Kiluan Bay, Lampung. But he dazzled me with his calmness. With his face that always smiles. So calm and tender. And the fact that he is a good muslim that never misses the prayer. He has that one charm that not everyone else has. That makes everyone around him likes him instantly. And that's how memorable he is to everyone around him.

Just one prayer for you my friend, Tiar. May Allah send you to heaven. You will always be remembered.

Kamis, 22 Desember 2016

What 2016 Meant To You?

It feels like yesterday but the fact is, 2016 almost ends. This is the time when I have to write something to remind myself about this whole year again. 2016 for me is like getting out of my comfort zone. Seriously. First, it was the first time I applied for a visa, and it was to my favorite country, South Korea. I used to be scared to go to countries with visa application. Because I was scared I would fail on it and all the money I invested would be gone. But I tried anyway. Actually I booked the ticket earlier in 2015 but all the process was done in early 2016. And I got my first visa yay!

And the other challenge for me was when I started running. I could barely run. I hated to run. But there was always something inside me that urged me to run. I always got the feeling "I need to do this". And it was started in February 2016. It was fast walking first then I ran a bit until I dedicated myself for a regular run. And then I hit 100 km run and participated in my first 6K running event. I was like "WOW" I can do this! It turns out that your body can stand almost anything, it is your mind you need to convince. 

A lot has happened as well in the state of my heart. I learn a lot about what forgiveness is like. That when you forgive it means you have nothing against that person anymore. You don't hold grudges anymore. I also learn that I deserve a good treatment from people. When people treat me badly, all I need to do is walk away. I used to have a very low self worth. I kept hanging onto someone who did not treat me right. I would expect them to change or if I could fix them. No, I can't fix anybody. Only those people can fix themselves. So, I learn to make better boundaries in order not to make the same mistakes again. Does it make me more picky? Well, I guess we all should be picky. We choose whom we want to keep in our life. We choose people who make us to be the better version of us. Not people who let us down. Being picky is not selfish. It's self care. And furthermore, none is responsible of our choices except us. So make a good choice!

My last event of the year was spent by backpacking across East Java with my best friend. It was a very satisfying trip and I loved it so much. It was like my South Korean trip I made it with my best friends. Trip with like-minded best friends is always  fulfilling.

I hope 2017 will be a better year for me. I hope I can find more inner peace. I hope I can maintain my healthy lifestyle. I hope I can travel more. I hope I can meet the love of my life and settle down. May Allah grant us abundance of health, happiness, and blessings.

Selasa, 29 November 2016

I Love You Without Wax

Sincerity. Something that I am questioning over and over again from people. The truth is we can never know if people are sincere or not. We can't even measure up our own sincerity. Sometimes we too are not sincere with people. We befriend someone because we know we can get something from him or her. There are some agendas behind the meetings of everyone we know in this life. God makes us meet some people for a reason and purpose. And when the purpose is done, they will leave us. So, it's not fair actually to judge whether a person was sincere or not. Because truly we do not know and they do not know as well.

There is one quote I like from one K-Drama I recently watched. Everyone is connected in a special way, from one thread to another. There is a reason why people come and go. Relationship is a very precious thing. Being sincere is being who we are. When people come, we become ourselves. And when people go, it doesn't make us change into someone we're not as well. Confused, huh? I know right, it's too deep. Let's put it like this, People come and go in this life. So, let's just embrace them gracefully without ever thinking what intentions they have in mind. Because by focusing too much on people's intentions, we forget to appreciate who they really are. Sometimes, when they are gone from our life, we realize that their intention does not matter. But the way they have allocated some time for us, the way they have changed us, the way they made us smile is what counts. This is something I've been working on. To learn to enjoy the company of others, without judging what their intention is. To learn to trust and being vulnerable. To learn not to judge. I think that's the true meaning of sincerity.

Jumat, 04 November 2016

Cheese In The Trap: A Story of A Narcissist

I always love Korean drama. Moreover K-Drama these days are more varied. K-drama in the past mainly showed the relationship of a poor girl with a son of a chaebol (read: conglomerate). It's always like a Cinderella story. But recently the story line has evolved so much. There are dramas about real life of Korean people. Dramas about family and love story of a college students or white-collars love story. And what I like most is the rising of psychological dramas. I have watched several of them like Kill Me Heal Me and Mask. Now I want to give a bit review about this K-Drama named Cheese In The Trap. I categorize this as a psychological drama not only just a love story between college students.

This drama has successfully portrayed Jung as a narcissist. This what makes me interested. Because I have bumped into several narcisssists in my life. So, when I watched this K-drama, I felt like I knew how Jung's mind worked, and I knew how it felt to be Seol. Before I begin with the story, I'd explain about what narcissism is about.

A narcissist is someone who has grandiose ego. A little bit of ego is fine. But when you have too much ego, you are in trouble. Someone who has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a very sensitive person. He will be offended with just a slightest criticism or advice. He can't accept it. He is also extremely jealous when another person is more successful than him. And the worst trait of NPD is that he is manipulative. He will do almost anything to achieve his goals. Even if someone else is hurt or betrayed, he wouldn't care. Sounds scary, isn't it? But bear in mind, that a narcissist is not actually a really bad person if you understand them. Deep inside he is extremely insecure and vulnerable. However, they mask those characters with charm, charisma, and attractiveness. You will never believe that a narcissist is a bad person. Usually even they are very good looking and charming.

Now back to Cheese In The Trap, why Jung is a narcissist? Even from episode 1, I could understand that he was manipulative. He did several things to take a revenge. Like informing spreading the news anonymously that his senior was a foul. Then, in another scene, Seol was being attacked by a stranger. He knew of this but he refused to help. Later in the episode, he was mad with Seol because she was getting closer with In Ho, his almost-adopted-brother. In so many scenes, it was shown so many ways he "punished" people who were not inline with him. Even until the last episode, I was still wondering whether he truly loved Seol or she was just a part of the victim of his manipulations.

On the other hand, Seol was very confused with his actions. Deep inside she knew that Jung didn't do the right things. She confronted him oftenly. But it always ended up with Jung begging for apology or she finally tried to rationalize his behaviors. Realize it or not Seol was trapped into his selfishness. May be that's why the title is "cheese in the trap". Because you look at something perfectly good not realizing it's a danger. Jung is handsome, caring, romantic, and charming. All girls want to be with him. But on the other hand, Seol never knows whether the characters he shows are true or fake. 

When you're trapped with a narcissist, it is like living between fantasy and reality. You really want to believe that you will be happy with him. But deep inside, you have doubts that it is just a fantasy. And the truth is yes, you can't never be really happy with someone who has grandiose ego. Seol could not never be really happy with Jung. She was in a denial mode all the time. They finally broke up.

I really love the ending of this drama. Please don't read this if you plan to watch it:

On Jung's part he finally realized his mistakes, which was very good of him:

He says, “Let’s break up.”

Seol blinks back tears and asks why, because she’s okay with him. He answers that he knows she’d try hard to understand and accept him, as she’s done thus far: “But while you were struggling on your own, growing tired, and getting hurt, to be honest I didn’t understand why you did it. The problem is mine, and I was the one who should have been making the effort.”

And when Seol said this, I call it a closure. She grew bitter because of him but she understood that the breakup was for the better.

"However, my desire to get to know that person better is decreasing. While I am left growing more and more bitter, I wonder if there was another time when I worried so much about things just to get to know a person better. He may need the same amount of time I needed to get to know and accept him. No. He may need even more time than I did".

"Sometimes, life doesn't not give you what you really want. No matter how badly you want it"