Sabtu, 07 Juli 2018

I Stop Running Away

Wow, it's July already, which means I have been in my new life for 9 months! How time flies!

Things seem to work out pretty well. All praise due to Allah. My scary boss doesn't seem so scary anymore. He changes a lot surprisingly. Now he can joke around and doesn't seem to bother with smallest mistakes. I am so glad he changed. Office situation is not as frightening as previously. And my second job goes well too. I can now find the pattern of working which can accommodate two jobs. And my new colleague is very supportive and helpful. Overall, I am very very okay now. Well, I know I will get over it. I just needed to be dramatic first. Lol.

I am going to discuss a topic which has always become my issue, about running away. Whenever I feel stressful or stuck, all I always want is to run away. When my job sucks, I want to quit and search for a new job. Eventhough I move back to my hometown, I still am actively searching for a new job in other cities, or even abroad. I don't know why I don't feel like staying. Even as I am writing this article, I just completed a series of online test for a company in Thailand. I don't know if I am going to work in Thailand, it was just an impulsive act of mine. That's been my problem all this time. I don't like staying.

So, here's an enlightenment. I watched a series called Once Upon A Time. There's this girl named Emma Swan who is stuck in a small town named Storybrooke. It is actually a fictional town. The people there are all from magical land called Enchanted Forest. It turns our that her parents was from that magical land and now live in Storybrooke. Emma was destined to be The Savior. She is supposed to save all people of Storybrooke from the villains. She did have some adventures here and there. But she always wants to leave the town and go somewhere else to start something new with her son. She always wants to run away. That's just her thing. Suddenly one event changed her. She was back to the past to the Enchanted Forest and got to witness the day her parents met. She met the younger version of her mom. In an adventure, her mom was almost killed and she saved her. But of course her mom didn't recognize her. Emma was very sad and hurt. But on the other hand she was touched to know how her family history unfolded. She now realizes that there is nothing happier than to be with the people she loves. Finally, she decided to stay in Storybrooke. Because that's where she belongs. With her family. The people that love her.

When I watched that, I was thinking, I too have to stop running away. Running away is actually a form of fear. Fear of responsibility, reality, and the future. I am afraid to take the responsibility to take care of my parents. To accompany them in their old age. I am afraid of the reality that I have to live here forever. When in fact, I don't know what life will bring me. I may not be here forever. Or I may be here forever and live just fine. So, instead of trying to run away, why don't I try to enjoy what's in front of me. To live in the moment. To make connections with people around me. I have to stop worrying about the future. There are a lot of reasons why I want to run away. But most of them because I am scared of the future. The future that's only been my imagination. That may not come true.

I have lived alone for 9.5 years. And while I was happy and fine, I am happier that now I live with my parents who care about me. I am not alone anymore. This is something I don't appreciate. It is nice to have someone to talk to after work. It is nice to have someone who take care of me when I am sick. It is better to live close to people who know me and love me, than to live alone. I think I am gonna stop running away now. I am staying. Because staying itself, is a blessing. 

Rabu, 28 Februari 2018

It's (Not) Only Words

So, this is what it's like, to be a victim of an emotional abuse.

You're dreading the time you're interacting with him.

You're stressful anticipating what kind of hurtful words he will utter.

You're afraid of making mistakes.

Your heart beats so fast and your mind just can't stop wandering.

You feel numb and suddenly you lose appetite.

You said to yourself all the time, "this isn't about me. this is about him".

But oooh how hard it is to feel that way...

Your confidence is crumbled and you think you are useless.

You think you deserve to be called anything he labels on you.

You wonder if you are the one who should change so he will be pleased.

Deep down you know, he can never be pleased.

There is always something wrong. Everything is not enough.

How words are sharper than knife is true.

Words can hurt......  Words can kill.......

Sabtu, 24 Februari 2018

Moving Away And Losing Friends

I worked in moving industries for nearly 10 years. My job was to ensure that all my client's stuffs delivered in safely manner. I also made sure that they could settle in comfortably by giving them all information they required to connect with new communities. The biggest challenge of moving is not about the stuffs, it's all about the emotional side. You leave a place you have been familiar with for a long time. You leave your friends or your family behind. And there comes an new adaptation with new places and people, which is quite a struggle. 

I don't like the idea of moving. I know I have fear of abandonment issue, which makes it harder to deal with moving away. However, my life seems to be destined to keep moving around. When I graduated and got my first job in Jakarta, my mom encouraged me to pursue it. I did what she said. The first few months was a nightmare.  I cried every night and hated to be alone. Then I had to deal with moving places also for 7 times in Jakarta. It was because I got a new job,  I found a better place,  I didn't like the landlord, or the places were about to be sold and renovated. My friends were always in disbelief if I told them I moved again. But I had no choice, right? Then the last moving was back to my hometown. 

Eventhough I move back to my familiar place, everything is different. I don't know where my childhood friends right now. They already moved cities and had family. I did reconnect with some of my high school friends. But of course it's not as close as we used to be. We all have different priorities now. Moreover,  it's a small city, where people go to work and come home afterward. No after hour meet up or dining or even going to cinema. Basically just less social life. Well, of course because I don't meet many singletons here. 

Sometimes I miss my friends in Jakarta. Eventhough I am now surrounded by my family, but friends are different with family. Friends can relate to you more than your family. Friends understand your struggles and your insecurities. While family don't always get that. They assume you're just fine under their care. Of course I do, but there's something I am missing too. I miss talking about absolutely everything for hours with my best friends. I miss catching up with them after office hour. I miss shopping with them. I miss having a night in or staycation together. One of my friends said, I won't always feel this way. I'll find new friends, new people I can connect to on a deeper level. But I can't help feeling I am losing my friends already. May be not literally losing them, just the sense that I can't meet them whenever I need them. And that's actually pretty sad.... 

Jumat, 19 Januari 2018

My Life Is Full of Plot Twist

It is the first time I write again after a tragedy happened to me. My last post I wrote was the night my brother passed away. That moment kinda hit me so hard. I don't even want to write about that or remember it anymore. I don't want to discuss about my brother's death in this post, because it will be too painful. I want to tell about how my life has dramatically changed after the incident.

So, six months after my bother passed away, I decided to move back home. I just couldn't stand to see my parents being so broken. I know how hard it is for them, especially my mom. She kept crying whenever I called her. And I just couldn't stand to see her cry. My dad seemed okay but I know he was feeling very lonely. I know because until now even, he is always there sitting in the kitchen and is caught in a deep thought. He doesn't share much but I can see how he's changed now. We all have this pain and we're trying so hard to cover it up and move on. The decision to move back is not easy actually. I have a stable job with a good pay and nice office environment. I was thinking back and forth whether I'd give my resignation letter or not. But I finally did it. I almost cried when I said to my boss I'd resign. Because, deep inside, I wouldn't want to do it. I still loved the job. And I loved the people. It was such a hard good bye especially because my office mates are already like family to me.  

Long story short, I enter a new field, as a marketing in an eyelashes manufacturing company in my hometown. I like the job actually because it is such a new thing for me. But guess what, the boss is horrible. He is a control freak and he micromanages almost everything. And he doesn't hesitate to get angry or scold the staffs if we don't do something as he wishes. The first two months was a nightmare for me. Everyday I got so stressful that he'd scold me that day. A call meeting with him everyday is always like a torture for us, the staffs. Because we don't know what kind of horrible words he will say to us. It's so frustrating. One day I prayed to God "Dear God, please do not let me have a heartache today". Magically, it happened. He did scold me that day but I did not take it personally. I didn't even remember the words he said after the call finished. And after that his words became less significant for me. I guess I found the strength from my prayers.

Because I desperately hated my new job, so I applied another job. The job is similar to my previous job and it is home-based. So I just work online and communicate with my colleagues or boss only via e-mails or Skype. The pay is good too. It's been two weeks I'am working, but I realize it's not as easy as I thought. The job area is pretty complicated and the people who handle it are not pretty  capable to communicate. It's like I am hired to clean up all the mess and set up new system.

So, that's all about my life at the moment, it is full of plot twist. The plot twist that I expected was that I loved my new marketing job. Because I always want to be a marketing, and it's like a dream comes true. But it turns out, I don't like the boss and the pressure is real because it is a manufacture industry. The other plot twist that I want is that my second job is easy so I can manage two jobs and have two figures salary. But it seems like I have to choose because both are demanding. And I am confused which one to choose. I still can't make a decision till now. Sometimes I think being a housewife is much better because I don't have to think about making money anymore. My husband will be there for me. But even my love life is still unconvincing.

I'll just hang on I guess and wait for another plot twist.....

BTW I start to love the life in a small city. It's so calm and less distracting. I am thinking twice now to go back to Jakarta. 9.5 years living in Jakarta is enough I guess. I think it's okay to stay here but I have to find a job that I truly love or someone I'll settle down with.

Who knows what life brings. Till then, keep fighting!

Jumat, 07 April 2017

Dear You, Yes, You

Do you know why I contacted you again intensively? It was because I was lonely. Deep down I know that you will not change. Everything is not going to change no matter how many times I try differently. It will always be the same. You're going to be the same and your actions are too. Sometimes I feel so weak to keep coming back to you. I keep doing things I used to do. Getting your attention. Hoping this time it will be different. But actually not. It's gonna be the same unless there's a miracle. Do I believe in miracle? I do. But not everyone is so lucky to have that. So I guess I have to stick to the rules, not the exception. But I don't want to beat myself up. I want to pardon myself. Loneliness is common. People get lonely from time to time. This too shall pass. But this writing is going to serve as a reminder that everything now is not the same like it used to be. I have learned my lessons and I have to move on. I should not try to get your attention anymore. I should just leave you alone. Don't get me wrong, I have forgiven you with all my heart. There is no grudge feeling anymore toward you. It's just that when I talk to you again everything in the past was flashing back uncontrollably. I just don't want to experience that. I want to be with someone new. Someone with whom I feel secure. Not doubtful like I used to feel about you. There is nothing wrong with you we just wanted different things. I hope life takes us to new places better for you and me. Or if God has destined us to be together, I hope we will meet again in a better circumstance, whatever it is. It's such a lie when people say "you'll get over him". You can never get over someone you once cared about. He was kept in an album, and sometimes you look it up just for reminiscing the old story. I think I am not ready to come back to that old story between us right now. So let me walk away from you. I just don't want the loneliness to be the sole reason why we're together again. I want us to be together for different reasons. Otherwise, we walk separate ways. Forever.

But there is one thing for sure, I will never forget you.....

Rabu, 08 Maret 2017

I No Longer Want To Be A Trash Can Of People's Negativity

I am the first child in my family. And since I was child, I got used to become the listener of my parents' problems, especially my mother. My mother told me everything about my family's problems. Therefore, I grew up as an empath. I don't complain a lot because I know my parents are struggling too with their own problems. I am sensitive to people's problems and I can be a good listener too. However this trait is like a double-edged sword. When I meet people who have the same traits as me, those people vibe well with me. They become my confidants. We give and take equally. But this world is full of positive and also negative people. Sometimes I meet negative people. They are the people who complain a lot, blame everything, and take everything for granted. These people manage to transfer the negativity to others to gain support, to ask for empathy, to dump their problems. They are unable to solve their problems by themselves. These people take so much but give very little. And in my life I have met several people with these traits. Back in the university, I had one close friend. We were very close at first. But then she started being negative and dumped all her problems to me. I tried to accept her and gave her advices, but she kept refusing to accept others' advice. And the worse part also, she lied to me. Like a lot. I gave up on her. She cried and begged me to come back. It was so tiring to have that kind of friendship. And it turned out that not only me who felt that way. My two other friends who were close with her also felt the same. They felt that she was too much and they did not trust her anymore.

It's just one example of unhealthy friendship I had in the past. In recent years I have encountered various kind of people. I have met psychopath, narcissist, self-absorbed, whatever you call it. People who want attention. People who are not sincere. People who are inauthentic. I took that as a learning process. I learn to identify which people deserve your time and which people don't. It's still difficult for me to create boundaries, honestly. Because deep down inside, I always believe I should give them chances. May be they will change, may be they will be better if I change my treatment to them, may be they will change if I act nicer. And the answer is NO. People don't change easily. People change because they realize they have problems and they want to change. People don't change no matter how you tell them. It's something you can't comprehend and something you can't expect from people. 

So when my friendship is continuously overwhelming. When it keeps making me doubtful and upset because of the negative things they share, why should I be friends with that person? Why should I keep listening to their problems when I can say NO? Why should I keep feeding their ego by becoming their shoulder to cry on? Why should I be the trash can? 

A good positive person will not complain a lot. They see problems as challenges. When they have conflict with someone else, they try to see whether they are on the wrong side as well and not judging or blaming. They don't criticize others often and more of a supporter for whatever decision someone has made. They don't see their friends as "a competition". They know how to make decisions without relying on others. They deal with their problems effectively and quickly. I don't say it's not fine to complain. But there is a limit to it. When people keep coming back with the same complains on and on again, it means there is a problem with those people. Whether they can't make a decision or they are too stubborn to change or accept others' advice. They avoid toxic people and spend more time with positive like-minded people.

Kamis, 23 Februari 2017

Running and Weight Loss: New Purposes

I am such a weak person. Whenever I am depressed I run to food. I gain weight and unfortunately it takes more time for me to lose it. My last depression was because of Mr. D. I was stupid to be depressed because of him. But it was surely hard to move on. I didn't realize I put on 10 kgs at that time of grieving. Gosh, it was like living  in a black hole with nothing to hope. But I am glad that I am over it. I don't have the slightest feeling anymore towards him. I even text him randomly sometimes but I have not met him in person since 2015. Well, I guess it's not necessary. I have nothing against him anymore and we are in good terms. That's enough.

So basically early last year I had been realizing how heavy I was. I kept saying to myself that I had to change. I could not be lazy and depressed anymore or I would die due to obesity. Ironically I have lost weight in 2013 quite a lot amount of it and I gained more weight again. I hated to be in this yo yo cycle. I need something to make my weight stable. So I chose running. Actually I had started morning walk since 2013 but not regularly. And in 2016 I decided to try running. I did not just run. I started with fast walking then I jogged then ran. Even though may be runners will still call me a jogger because I think I am still slow, but I'll just call myself a runner haha. I must tell you the moment I tried running, I had love at first run. My body felt so good after an hour of run. I began to run regularly in the morning. I bought my first running shoes. Hell yeah, it's the most expensive shoes I have. And then I found my running buddy, Cika, and we started to run once a week in a proper running track. There is something I can't explain about the feeling I have after running. I get this runner's high. I feel struck of happiness due to endorphins running through my blood. That's what makes me addicted to run. And magically, something happens. Running has also helped me maintain my emotional level. I am mostly happy if I run regularly. I don't have racing thoughts anymore. I don't dwell into negative thoughts. I don't experience low self esteem anymore. To be honest I am mostly positive. And I love it. I don't say I never have low moments or setbacks. But it's pretty much reduced after I run regularly. I always think I have bipolar. And running has helped me to control my mood swings. Do you know the movie Silver Linings Playbook? It tells us that exercise is a good way to cope with bipolar disorder. Bradley Cooper copes it with running. And J-Law by dancing. With exercise we have purposes in life. Routines and regularity keeps people with bipolar disorder in control and in check. I lost 5 kilos by running regularly and no I did not do any diet in 2016.

I need to shed 5 more kilos actually but this month I decide to add my goal into 10 kilos with diet too. I avoid carbs for dinner and only eat fruits every night. I add my exercise into 4-5 times a week. And I eat more vegetables and also brown rice too. I never really like diet because I am a foodie. But I know it should be done to be healthier. You need to sacrifice if you want to achieve something. And giving up fast food may not be a very bad sacrifice though. I've been eating that a lot so why don't I reduce it now.

I hope I can maintain this lifestyle for the rest of my life and live well.