I Stop Running Away

Wow, it's July already, which means I have been in my new life for 9 months! How time flies!

Things seem to work out pretty well. All praise due to Allah. My scary boss doesn't seem so scary anymore. He changes a lot surprisingly. Now he can joke around and doesn't seem to bother with smallest mistakes. I am so glad he changed. Office situation is not as frightening as previously. And my second job goes well too. I can now find the pattern of working which can accommodate two jobs. And my new colleague is very supportive and helpful. Overall, I am very very okay now. Well, I know I will get over it. I just needed to be dramatic first. Lol.

I am going to discuss a topic which has always become my issue, about running away. Whenever I feel stressful or stuck, all I always want is to run away. When my job sucks, I want to quit and search for a new job. Eventhough I move back to my hometown, I still am actively searching for a new job in other cities, or even abroad. I don't know why I don't feel like staying. Even as I am writing this article, I just completed a series of online test for a company in Thailand. I don't know if I am going to work in Thailand, it was just an impulsive act of mine. That's been my problem all this time. I don't like staying.

So, here's an enlightenment. I watched a series called Once Upon A Time. There's this girl named Emma Swan who is stuck in a small town named Storybrooke. It is actually a fictional town. The people there are all from magical land called Enchanted Forest. It turns our that her parents was from that magical land and now live in Storybrooke. Emma was destined to be The Savior. She is supposed to save all people of Storybrooke from the villains. She did have some adventures here and there. But she always wants to leave the town and go somewhere else to start something new with her son. She always wants to run away. That's just her thing. Suddenly one event changed her. She was back to the past to the Enchanted Forest and got to witness the day her parents met. She met the younger version of her mom. In an adventure, her mom was almost killed and she saved her. But of course her mom didn't recognize her. Emma was very sad and hurt. But on the other hand she was touched to know how her family history unfolded. She now realizes that there is nothing happier than to be with the people she loves. Finally, she decided to stay in Storybrooke. Because that's where she belongs. With her family. The people that love her.

When I watched that, I was thinking, I too have to stop running away. Running away is actually a form of fear. Fear of responsibility, reality, and the future. I am afraid to take the responsibility to take care of my parents. To accompany them in their old age. I am afraid of the reality that I have to live here forever. When in fact, I don't know what life will bring me. I may not be here forever. Or I may be here forever and live just fine. So, instead of trying to run away, why don't I try to enjoy what's in front of me. To live in the moment. To make connections with people around me. I have to stop worrying about the future. There are a lot of reasons why I want to run away. But most of them because I am scared of the future. The future that's only been my imagination. That may not come true.

I have lived alone for 9.5 years. And while I was happy and fine, I am happier that now I live with my parents who care about me. I am not alone anymore. This is something I don't appreciate. It is nice to have someone to talk to after work. It is nice to have someone who take care of me when I am sick. It is better to live close to people who know me and love me, than to live alone. I think I am gonna stop running away now. I am staying. Because staying itself, is a blessing. 

It's (Not) Only Words

So, this is what it's like, to be a victim of an emotional abuse.

You're dreading the time you're interacting with him.

You're stressful anticipating what kind of hurtful words he will utter.

You're afraid of making mistakes.

Your heart beats so fast and your mind just can't stop wandering.

You feel numb and suddenly you lose appetite.

You said to yourself all the time, "this isn't about me. this is about him".

But oooh how hard it is to feel that way...

Your confidence is crumbled and you think you are useless.

You think you deserve to be called anything he labels on you.

You wonder if you are the one who should change so he will be pleased.

Deep down you know, he can never be pleased.

There is always something wrong. Everything is not enough.

How words are sharper than knife is true.

Words can hurt......  Words can kill.......

Moving Away And Losing Friends

I worked in moving industries for nearly 10 years. My job was to ensure that all my client's stuffs delivered in safely manner. I also made sure that they could settle in comfortably by giving them all information they required to connect with new communities. The biggest challenge of moving is not about the stuffs, it's all about the emotional side. You leave a place you have been familiar with for a long time. You leave your friends or your family behind. And there comes an new adaptation with new places and people, which is quite a struggle. 

I don't like the idea of moving. I know I have fear of abandonment issue, which makes it harder to deal with moving away. However, my life seems to be destined to keep moving around. When I graduated and got my first job in Jakarta, my mom encouraged me to pursue it. I did what she said. The first few months was a nightmare.  I cried every night and hated to be alone. Then I had to deal with moving places also for 7 times in Jakarta. It was because I got a new job,  I found a better place,  I didn't like the landlord, or the places were about to be sold and renovated. My friends were always in disbelief if I told them I moved again. But I had no choice, right? Then the last moving was back to my hometown. 

Eventhough I move back to my familiar place, everything is different. I don't know where my childhood friends right now. They already moved cities and had family. I did reconnect with some of my high school friends. But of course it's not as close as we used to be. We all have different priorities now. Moreover,  it's a small city, where people go to work and come home afterward. No after hour meet up or dining or even going to cinema. Basically just less social life. Well, of course because I don't meet many singletons here. 

Sometimes I miss my friends in Jakarta. Eventhough I am now surrounded by my family, but friends are different with family. Friends can relate to you more than your family. Friends understand your struggles and your insecurities. While family don't always get that. They assume you're just fine under their care. Of course I do, but there's something I am missing too. I miss talking about absolutely everything for hours with my best friends. I miss catching up with them after office hour. I miss shopping with them. I miss having a night in or staycation together. One of my friends said, I won't always feel this way. I'll find new friends, new people I can connect to on a deeper level. But I can't help feeling I am losing my friends already. May be not literally losing them, just the sense that I can't meet them whenever I need them. And that's actually pretty sad.... 

My Life Is Full of Plot Twist

It is the first time I write again after a tragedy happened to me. My last post I wrote was the night my brother passed away. That moment kinda hit me so hard. I don't even want to write about that or remember it anymore. I don't want to discuss about my brother's death in this post, because it will be too painful. I want to tell about how my life has dramatically changed after the incident.

So, six months after my bother passed away, I decided to move back home. I just couldn't stand to see my parents being so broken. I know how hard it is for them, especially my mom. She kept crying whenever I called her. And I just couldn't stand to see her cry. My dad seemed okay but I know he was feeling very lonely. I know because until now even, he is always there sitting in the kitchen and is caught in a deep thought. He doesn't share much but I can see how he's changed now. We all have this pain and we're trying so hard to cover it up and move on. The decision to move back is not easy actually. I have a stable job with a good pay and nice office environment. I was thinking back and forth whether I'd give my resignation letter or not. But I finally did it. I almost cried when I said to my boss I'd resign. Because, deep inside, I wouldn't want to do it. I still loved the job. And I loved the people. It was such a hard good bye especially because my office mates are already like family to me.  

Long story short, I enter a new field, as a marketing in an eyelashes manufacturing company in my hometown. I like the job actually because it is such a new thing for me. But guess what, the boss is horrible. He is a control freak and he micromanages almost everything. And he doesn't hesitate to get angry or scold the staffs if we don't do something as he wishes. The first two months was a nightmare for me. Everyday I got so stressful that he'd scold me that day. A call meeting with him everyday is always like a torture for us, the staffs. Because we don't know what kind of horrible words he will say to us. It's so frustrating. One day I prayed to God "Dear God, please do not let me have a heartache today". Magically, it happened. He did scold me that day but I did not take it personally. I didn't even remember the words he said after the call finished. And after that his words became less significant for me. I guess I found the strength from my prayers.

Because I desperately hated my new job, so I applied another job. The job is similar to my previous job and it is home-based. So I just work online and communicate with my colleagues or boss only via e-mails or Skype. The pay is good too. It's been two weeks I'am working, but I realize it's not as easy as I thought. The job area is pretty complicated and the people who handle it are not pretty  capable to communicate. It's like I am hired to clean up all the mess and set up new system.

So, that's all about my life at the moment, it is full of plot twist. The plot twist that I expected was that I loved my new marketing job. Because I always want to be a marketing, and it's like a dream comes true. But it turns out, I don't like the boss and the pressure is real because it is a manufacture industry. The other plot twist that I want is that my second job is easy so I can manage two jobs and have two figures salary. But it seems like I have to choose because both are demanding. And I am confused which one to choose. I still can't make a decision till now. Sometimes I think being a housewife is much better because I don't have to think about making money anymore. My husband will be there for me. But even my love life is still unconvincing.

I'll just hang on I guess and wait for another plot twist.....

BTW I start to love the life in a small city. It's so calm and less distracting. I am thinking twice now to go back to Jakarta. 9.5 years living in Jakarta is enough I guess. I think it's okay to stay here but I have to find a job that I truly love or someone I'll settle down with.

Who knows what life brings. Till then, keep fighting!