Dear You, Yes, You

Do you know why I contacted you again intensively? It was because I was lonely. Deep down I know that you will not change. Everything is not going to change no matter how many times I try differently. It will always be the same. You're going to be the same and your actions are too. Sometimes I feel so weak to keep coming back to you. I keep doing things I used to do. Getting your attention. Hoping this time it will be different. But actually not. It's gonna be the same unless there's a miracle. Do I believe in miracle? I do. But not everyone is so lucky to have that. So I guess I have to stick to the rules, not the exception. But I don't want to beat myself up. I want to pardon myself. Loneliness is common. People get lonely from time to time. This too shall pass. But this writing is going to serve as a reminder that everything now is not the same like it used to be. I have learned my lessons and I have to move on. I should not try to get your attention anymore. I should just leave you alone. Don't get me wrong, I have forgiven you with all my heart. There is no grudge feeling anymore toward you. It's just that when I talk to you again everything in the past was flashing back uncontrollably. I just don't want to experience that. I want to be with someone new. Someone with whom I feel secure. Not doubtful like I used to feel about you. There is nothing wrong with you we just wanted different things. I hope life takes us to new places better for you and me. Or if God has destined us to be together, I hope we will meet again in a better circumstance, whatever it is. It's such a lie when people say "you'll get over him". You can never get over someone you once cared about. He was kept in an album, and sometimes you look it up just for reminiscing the old story. I think I am not ready to come back to that old story between us right now. So let me walk away from you. I just don't want the loneliness to be the sole reason why we're together again. I want us to be together for different reasons. Otherwise, we walk separate ways. Forever.

But there is one thing for sure, I will never forget you.....

I No Longer Want To Be A Trash Can Of People's Negativity

I am the first child in my family. And since I was child, I got used to become the listener of my parents' problems, especially my mother. My mother told me everything about my family's problems. Therefore, I grew up as an empath. I don't complain a lot because I know my parents are struggling too with their own problems. I am sensitive to people's problems and I can be a good listener too. However this trait is like a double-edged sword. When I meet people who have the same traits as me, those people vibe well with me. They become my confidants. We give and take equally. But this world is full of positive and also negative people. Sometimes I meet negative people. They are the people who complain a lot, blame everything, and take everything for granted. These people manage to transfer the negativity to others to gain support, to ask for empathy, to dump their problems. They are unable to solve their problems by themselves. These people take so much but give very little. And in my life I have met several people with these traits. Back in the university, I had one close friend. We were very close at first. But then she started being negative and dumped all her problems to me. I tried to accept her and gave her advices, but she kept refusing to accept others' advice. And the worse part also, she lied to me. Like a lot. I gave up on her. She cried and begged me to come back. It was so tiring to have that kind of friendship. And it turned out that not only me who felt that way. My two other friends who were close with her also felt the same. They felt that she was too much and they did not trust her anymore.

It's just one example of unhealthy friendship I had in the past. In recent years I have encountered various kind of people. I have met psychopath, narcissist, self-absorbed, whatever you call it. People who want attention. People who are not sincere. People who are inauthentic. I took that as a learning process. I learn to identify which people deserve your time and which people don't. It's still difficult for me to create boundaries, honestly. Because deep down inside, I always believe I should give them chances. May be they will change, may be they will be better if I change my treatment to them, may be they will change if I act nicer. And the answer is NO. People don't change easily. People change because they realize they have problems and they want to change. People don't change no matter how you tell them. It's something you can't comprehend and something you can't expect from people. 

So when my friendship is continuously overwhelming. When it keeps making me doubtful and upset because of the negative things they share, why should I be friends with that person? Why should I keep listening to their problems when I can say NO? Why should I keep feeding their ego by becoming their shoulder to cry on? Why should I be the trash can? 

A good positive person will not complain a lot. They see problems as challenges. When they have conflict with someone else, they try to see whether they are on the wrong side as well and not judging or blaming. They don't criticize others often and more of a supporter for whatever decision someone has made. They don't see their friends as "a competition". They know how to make decisions without relying on others. They deal with their problems effectively and quickly. I don't say it's not fine to complain. But there is a limit to it. When people keep coming back with the same complains on and on again, it means there is a problem with those people. Whether they can't make a decision or they are too stubborn to change or accept others' advice. They avoid toxic people and spend more time with positive like-minded people.

Running and Weight Loss: New Purposes

I am such a weak person. Whenever I am depressed I run to food. I gain weight and unfortunately it takes more time for me to lose it. My last depression was because of Mr. D. I was stupid to be depressed because of him. But it was surely hard to move on. I didn't realize I put on 10 kgs at that time of grieving. Gosh, it was like living  in a black hole with nothing to hope. But I am glad that I am over it. I don't have the slightest feeling anymore towards him. I even text him randomly sometimes but I have not met him in person since 2015. Well, I guess it's not necessary. I have nothing against him anymore and we are in good terms. That's enough.

So basically early last year I had been realizing how heavy I was. I kept saying to myself that I had to change. I could not be lazy and depressed anymore or I would die due to obesity. Ironically I have lost weight in 2013 quite a lot amount of it and I gained more weight again. I hated to be in this yo yo cycle. I need something to make my weight stable. So I chose running. Actually I had started morning walk since 2013 but not regularly. And in 2016 I decided to try running. I did not just run. I started with fast walking then I jogged then ran. Even though may be runners will still call me a jogger because I think I am still slow, but I'll just call myself a runner haha. I must tell you the moment I tried running, I had love at first run. My body felt so good after an hour of run. I began to run regularly in the morning. I bought my first running shoes. Hell yeah, it's the most expensive shoes I have. And then I found my running buddy, Cika, and we started to run once a week in a proper running track. There is something I can't explain about the feeling I have after running. I get this runner's high. I feel struck of happiness due to endorphins running through my blood. That's what makes me addicted to run. And magically, something happens. Running has also helped me maintain my emotional level. I am mostly happy if I run regularly. I don't have racing thoughts anymore. I don't dwell into negative thoughts. I don't experience low self esteem anymore. To be honest I am mostly positive. And I love it. I don't say I never have low moments or setbacks. But it's pretty much reduced after I run regularly. I always think I have bipolar. And running has helped me to control my mood swings. Do you know the movie Silver Linings Playbook? It tells us that exercise is a good way to cope with bipolar disorder. Bradley Cooper copes it with running. And J-Law by dancing. With exercise we have purposes in life. Routines and regularity keeps people with bipolar disorder in control and in check. I lost 5 kilos by running regularly and no I did not do any diet in 2016.

I need to shed 5 more kilos actually but this month I decide to add my goal into 10 kilos with diet too. I avoid carbs for dinner and only eat fruits every night. I add my exercise into 4-5 times a week. And I eat more vegetables and also brown rice too. I never really like diet because I am a foodie. But I know it should be done to be healthier. You need to sacrifice if you want to achieve something. And giving up fast food may not be a very bad sacrifice though. I've been eating that a lot so why don't I reduce it now.

I hope I can maintain this lifestyle for the rest of my life and live well.

Bon Voyage, Mon Amie

I just received the news that someone I really admire just passed away. Yes just now, today on this blessed Jumuah day. Tears streaming down my face knowing this news. I have ever said to myself, "I admire you. I'll be your forever fans". I have only known him for 3 days during our trip to Kiluan Bay, Lampung. But he dazzled me with his calmness. With his face that always smiles. So calm and tender. And the fact that he is a good muslim that never misses the prayer. He has that one charm that not everyone else has. That makes everyone around him likes him instantly. And that's how memorable he is to everyone around him.

Just one prayer for you my friend, Tiar. May Allah send you to heaven. You will always be remembered.