Hopefully it is not too late to realize that Allah has granted everything I want in this life. I want to have a stable job after college, and He gave me that. I wanted to have stuffs I couldn't buy at my young age, He also bought me them. I wanted to travel to places I wish, He made me go as well. I basically have everything I always want. All the material things. And then one moment, I realize as well that there are many things I do not actually need. I always wanted to work in a government office. When I failed in the last step in one of government office, my heart crumbled. But later I know that Allah has saved me. There are so much filthiness, fitnah, and corruption in that job that I may not stand it. I am a simple person and hates intrigues. The other thing is Master's degree. Do I really need that? How many more years should I spend for worldly knowledge. A knowledge that will not benefit me in hereafter. Isn't that enough that I learnt it from 7 up to 23 years old, which is, 16 years? Shouldn't I learn something else which can benefit my religion and life in hereafter? Another example is my ambition to travel the world. Do I really have to land my shoes in every country in the world? Isn't it better if I travel to places where I can improve my Islamic knowledge? Or a place where I can contemplate Allah's creation? Pilgrimage is what I should do to Makkah, Madinah, other Islamic countries like Turkey, Morocco, Jordan, Egypt, Palestine. Would it be much worth visit rather than having a Eurotrip? Though I still want to visit UK because I think it is a central of Islam in Europe.
Re- inventing and re-writing goals in my life. Alhamduillah Allah has opened my eyes, heart, and mind. He also made me put priorities in life. If it is not by His mercy, I will still be in love with worldly purpose of life. I realize that I cannot do everything in my life. I cannot travel all around the world and at the same time being a religious woman. I cannot be a career woman and at the same time be a great mother. I cannot study worldly knowledge and Islamic knowledge at the same time, and then I hope myself getting into paradise. It just does not make any sense. The ambition I had before were on worldly matters. I never once put my dream to be a perfect muslim and enter jannah. I really cannot be so so muslim and wish to get into jannah. I cannot get a pious husband if I myself, is still karaokeing, hanging out till night, shopping till drop, and flirting with men.
World (dunya) is a temporary life. When I die, what is the first question inside my grave? Will the angel ask me, are you satisfied with your life? Tell me about what things that make you happy in your life. Then I start blabbering that I have been into this and there, I have a lot of money, and bla bla bla. I wish it was. But the reality is, he will ask the basic question about my belief. Who is your God? Who is your Messenger? What is your religion? If I don't answer it correctly then I will get a lash or two. And it will be too painful. How can I answer those questions correctly if I do not recognize Allah, Muhammad (SAW), and Islam? If the worship I have done is only a ritual without any realization by heart, would it be useless. If I don't remember Allah and The Messenger (SAW) by heart, can I answer those questions in the grave yard. If I don't cry remembering Him, or when I am reading His kalams, can I remember Him as well when I die?
Have you ever imagined how long we will be in the grave until Resurrection Day? There were people who died hundred years ago. And if Resurrection Day will be another hundred year, it means those people need to wait another hundred years. If they died good, they would have enjoyment in the grave. If they died bad, they would get lash and punishment every single day. Surely it will be so much painful.
So yes, I need to live a good life. A good life is to live on a straight path. I don't have to mention how. Every muslim must know how to live it like that, yet they choose another path.
What I am doing now, I am opening my diary, reading through pages, throwing away my past writings with past goals. Then, I am flipping a new page, starting to write a whole different goals, and moving on.
