What 2016 Meant To You?

It feels like yesterday but the fact is, 2016 almost ends. This is the time when I have to write something to remind myself about this whole year again. 2016 for me is like getting out of my comfort zone. Seriously. First, it was the first time I applied for a visa, and it was to my favorite country, South Korea. I used to be scared to go to countries with visa application. Because I was scared I would fail on it and all the money I invested would be gone. But I tried anyway. Actually I booked the ticket earlier in 2015 but all the process was done in early 2016. And I got my first visa yay!

And the other challenge for me was when I started running. I could barely run. I hated to run. But there was always something inside me that urged me to run. I always got the feeling "I need to do this". And it was started in February 2016. It was fast walking first then I ran a bit until I dedicated myself for a regular run. And then I hit 100 km run and participated in my first 6K running event. I was like "WOW" I can do this! It turns out that your body can stand almost anything, it is your mind you need to convince. 

A lot has happened as well in the state of my heart. I learn a lot about what forgiveness is like. That when you forgive it means you have nothing against that person anymore. You don't hold grudges anymore. I also learn that I deserve a good treatment from people. When people treat me badly, all I need to do is walk away. I used to have a very low self worth. I kept hanging onto someone who did not treat me right. I would expect them to change or if I could fix them. No, I can't fix anybody. Only those people can fix themselves. So, I learn to make better boundaries in order not to make the same mistakes again. Does it make me more picky? Well, I guess we all should be picky. We choose whom we want to keep in our life. We choose people who make us to be the better version of us. Not people who let us down. Being picky is not selfish. It's self care. And furthermore, none is responsible of our choices except us. So make a good choice!

My last event of the year was spent by backpacking across East Java with my best friend. It was a very satisfying trip and I loved it so much. It was like my South Korean trip I made it with my best friends. Trip with like-minded best friends is always  fulfilling.

I hope 2017 will be a better year for me. I hope I can find more inner peace. I hope I can maintain my healthy lifestyle. I hope I can travel more. I hope I can meet the love of my life and settle down. May Allah grant us abundance of health, happiness, and blessings.

I Love You Without Wax

Sincerity. Something that I am questioning over and over again from people. The truth is we can never know if people are sincere or not. We can't even measure up our own sincerity. Sometimes we too are not sincere with people. We befriend someone because we know we can get something from him or her. There are some agendas behind the meetings of everyone we know in this life. God makes us meet some people for a reason and purpose. And when the purpose is done, they will leave us. So, it's not fair actually to judge whether a person was sincere or not. Because truly we do not know and they do not know as well.

There is one quote I like from one K-Drama I recently watched. Everyone is connected in a special way, from one thread to another. There is a reason why people come and go. Relationship is a very precious thing. Being sincere is being who we are. When people come, we become ourselves. And when people go, it doesn't make us change into someone we're not as well. Confused, huh? I know right, it's too deep. Let's put it like this, People come and go in this life. So, let's just embrace them gracefully without ever thinking what intentions they have in mind. Because by focusing too much on people's intentions, we forget to appreciate who they really are. Sometimes, when they are gone from our life, we realize that their intention does not matter. But the way they have allocated some time for us, the way they have changed us, the way they made us smile is what counts. This is something I've been working on. To learn to enjoy the company of others, without judging what their intention is. To learn to trust and being vulnerable. To learn not to judge. I think that's the true meaning of sincerity.

Cheese In The Trap: A Story of A Narcissist

I always love Korean drama. Moreover K-Drama these days are more varied. K-drama in the past mainly showed the relationship of a poor girl with a son of a chaebol (read: conglomerate). It's always like a Cinderella story. But recently the story line has evolved so much. There are dramas about real life of Korean people. Dramas about family and love story of a college students or white-collars love story. And what I like most is the rising of psychological dramas. I have watched several of them like Kill Me Heal Me and Mask. Now I want to give a bit review about this K-Drama named Cheese In The Trap. I categorize this as a psychological drama not only just a love story between college students.

This drama has successfully portrayed Jung as a narcissist. This what makes me interested. Because I have bumped into several narcisssists in my life. So, when I watched this K-drama, I felt like I knew how Jung's mind worked, and I knew how it felt to be Seol. Before I begin with the story, I'd explain about what narcissism is about.

A narcissist is someone who has grandiose ego. A little bit of ego is fine. But when you have too much ego, you are in trouble. Someone who has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a very sensitive person. He will be offended with just a slightest criticism or advice. He can't accept it. He is also extremely jealous when another person is more successful than him. And the worst trait of NPD is that he is manipulative. He will do almost anything to achieve his goals. Even if someone else is hurt or betrayed, he wouldn't care. Sounds scary, isn't it? But bear in mind, that a narcissist is not actually a really bad person if you understand them. Deep inside he is extremely insecure and vulnerable. However, they mask those characters with charm, charisma, and attractiveness. You will never believe that a narcissist is a bad person. Usually even they are very good looking and charming.

Now back to Cheese In The Trap, why Jung is a narcissist? Even from episode 1, I could understand that he was manipulative. He did several things to take a revenge. Like informing spreading the news anonymously that his senior was a foul. Then, in another scene, Seol was being attacked by a stranger. He knew of this but he refused to help. Later in the episode, he was mad with Seol because she was getting closer with In Ho, his almost-adopted-brother. In so many scenes, it was shown so many ways he "punished" people who were not inline with him. Even until the last episode, I was still wondering whether he truly loved Seol or she was just a part of the victim of his manipulations.

On the other hand, Seol was very confused with his actions. Deep inside she knew that Jung didn't do the right things. She confronted him oftenly. But it always ended up with Jung begging for apology or she finally tried to rationalize his behaviors. Realize it or not Seol was trapped into his selfishness. May be that's why the title is "cheese in the trap". Because you look at something perfectly good not realizing it's a danger. Jung is handsome, caring, romantic, and charming. All girls want to be with him. But on the other hand, Seol never knows whether the characters he shows are true or fake. 

When you're trapped with a narcissist, it is like living between fantasy and reality. You really want to believe that you will be happy with him. But deep inside, you have doubts that it is just a fantasy. And the truth is yes, you can't never be really happy with someone who has grandiose ego. Seol could not never be really happy with Jung. She was in a denial mode all the time. They finally broke up.

I really love the ending of this drama. Please don't read this if you plan to watch it:

On Jung's part he finally realized his mistakes, which was very good of him:

He says, “Let’s break up.”

Seol blinks back tears and asks why, because she’s okay with him. He answers that he knows she’d try hard to understand and accept him, as she’s done thus far: “But while you were struggling on your own, growing tired, and getting hurt, to be honest I didn’t understand why you did it. The problem is mine, and I was the one who should have been making the effort.”

And when Seol said this, I call it a closure. She grew bitter because of him but she understood that the breakup was for the better.

"However, my desire to get to know that person better is decreasing. While I am left growing more and more bitter, I wonder if there was another time when I worried so much about things just to get to know a person better. He may need the same amount of time I needed to get to know and accept him. No. He may need even more time than I did".

"Sometimes, life doesn't not give you what you really want. No matter how badly you want it"

Your Lord Has Not Taken Leave of You

The description of Ad Duhaa verses in Al Quran

Wad duhaa

By the morning brightness

This is the first thing you need to hear when you’re depressed: Wake up, look at the sunshine! Everything in life is not doom and gloom– you just have to look up!

Wal laili iza sajaa

And [by] the night when it covers with darkness,

Why is this aayah immediately talking about darkness? As a reminder to us that the night is meant to cover and give us comfort and rest.

Generally when we’re depressed, we tend to get into a very bad sleep pattern by staying up at night and sleeping all day, thereby worsening our state of mind. This aayah reminds us to use the night as a comfort to ease our distress.

Ma wad da’aka rabbuka wa ma qalaa

Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you].

This is a very powerful verse from Allah telling us that He doesn’t hate us and hasn’t forgotten us– reminding the depressed person that He is always by his or her side!

Walal-aakhiratu khairul laka minal-oola

And the Hereafter is better for you than the first [life].

Many times when we’re depressed we think: Is this all my life is going to be? Is it never going to get better?

This aayah serves as a perfect answer to those questions, reminding us that life in this world is temporary and that Aakhirah certainly a better, more permanent place for us than this world could ever be.

This makes us look forward to attaining our place in Jannah and helps us look at any problems in our lives as temporary tests of our faith from Allah.

Wa la sawfa y’uteeka rabbuka fatarda

And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied.

A promise from Allah that very soon he will give us a massive reward (Jannah) and we will be happy! Subhanallah!

Isn’t this the best thing to hear when you’re depressed and fed up with this worldly life and the problems you’re facing?

Alam ya jidka yateeman fa aawaa

Did He not find you an orphan and give [you] refuge?

From this verse onwards, Allah gives us reason to believe His declarations and promises in the first half of the surah.

Now many of us may think: how would this aayah about orphans relate to the majority of us? Think about it– weren’t there many times in your life when you were sick or lonely and felt like you had nobody who cared about you? Who was the only one by your side at that time? Allah! It was He who took care of you and guided you out of that stage in life.

Wa wa jadaka daal lan fahada

And He found you lost and guided [you].

How many of us, despite being born Muslims, have found ourselves misguided and straying away from Islam in the past? It was Allah who gave us that hidaya and brought us back to the straight path and to Him and made us practicing Muslims. Alhamdulillah!

Wa wa jadaka ‘aa-ilan fa aghnaa

And He found you poor and made [you] self-sufficient.

Many of us have probably gone through many periods in our lives when we have been short of money and wealth. Now when we look back we realize that it was only Allah who gave us that rizq in some form and got us through those tough financial times.

When a person is depressed, giving him or her examples of how Allah has helped them in the past will strengthen their conviction and belief in the promises Allah makes in this surah for their future.

Fa am mal yateema fala taqhar

So as for the orphan, do not oppress [him].

This aayah is the ultimate antidote to depression!

Depressed people are mostly consumed with their situation and feel that nobody could possibly be in a worse situation.

This aayah reminds us to look at people who are in far worse situations than ourselves when we’re feeling hopeless and depressed— Look at the orphans,who have no family or loved ones and nobody to care for them. We have families and parents who love us, a roof over our heads and food on the table and we still think we’re in a bad situation? Subhanallah!

Wa am mas saa-ila fala tanhar

And as for the petitioner, do not repel [him].

Another example is of the beggar – to once again remind us of the many material blessings that Allah has given us that we take for granted – food, clothing and shelter. How many of us have ever gone to sleep hungry? How many of us don’t have clothes to wear? Or don’t have a home to go to?

These examples of the orphan and the beggar are ones we should constantly remind ourselves of to be thankful for the numerous blessings Allah has given us, get over our depression and feel connected to Allah again, out of gratitude.

Wa amma bi ne’mati rabbika fahad dith

But as for the favor of your Lord, report [it].

This final aayah is about maintaining that renewed faith and bond with Allah – by pondering, glorifying and talking about the blessings of Allah! Either in terms of halaqas, discussions with family and friends or even da’wah! Dhikr, reading quran and listening to lectures are also great ways to keep the remembrance of Allah close to your heart!

So the next time you feel disconnected, disheartened or depressed with your level of Imaan and your connection with Allah – read Surah Ad Duha and ponder over its meanings – Inshallah it will restore your faith and increase your belief in the greatness and power.

Source: http://understandquran.com/how-sura-ad-duha-can-change-your-life.html

You Are Complete

There are people who no matter you love them, will never be able to love you in return. Not because the feeling is unrequited, but because they are incapable of loving. Why are some people incapable of loving? The nature of human being is to love one another. The basic thing people need is to love and to be loved. Yes, it is true. But somehow, people turn out to be cold hearted because of certain things such as insecurity, low self esteem, and also some traumatic experiences. There are people who are amazing. People believe that they are wonderful, smart, and pretty. But they will never believe what people say. Because they have deep seated insecurities. May be when they were kids, they were verbally abused by the closest family or friends. That's why they have low self esteem. There are also people who believe that none will love them. May be because their significant other had betrayed them, which makes them trust people less. There are always reasons why people act one way or another.

We name them narcissists, insecure people, and many more. Many psychological researches have been done to analyze their behaviors. The real fact is that they don't understand why they act like that. They need help. But none can help them. Only they can help themselves. Only by realizing that they have problems that they can change themselves. Only by opening up their old wounds and accepting that the wounds were there to teach them something, that they can heal themselves. They hurt people in the process. But they will never realize it until it's too late. They hurt people who were kind, supportive and patient enough to deal with their issues. But they were too stubborn to understand it. And finally only regrets will come when those backbones, those supporters were gone. They are longing for love, but it's only an idea of love because they can never achieve that feelings of fulfillment. They always look for fulfillment outside because they think they are not enough. They are lonely. The real loneliness is when you don't love yourself. Isn't it miserable?

If you're reading this and feeling the same thing, please reflect upon it and change. You're a beautiful human being. You are loved. You are not unworthy. You're enough. You're complete. Keep repeating those mantra and you'll be amazed how emotionally healthy you'll become. And if you are at the receiving end of the treatment from people who can't love, keep in mind that it's not you to blame. You can't change them. It's not your responsibility to fix them. Just let them go.

Kawah Ratu: Another Trekking Experience

I seriously begin to love trekking. Eventhough I may be the slowest from all the trekkers but I still enjoy it. That was what happened when I trekked Kawah Ratu (Queen Crater) in Halimun Salak Mount last month. To be honest, it was the most difficult trek I've ever climbed. It was rocky and slippery and my feet hurt so much. I was limping for a week after the trekking. But I don't think I'll stop. I love it when I am able to achieve something. Trekking is one way for me to get out of my comfort zone because it is something that challenges my physical strength.

One more thing, I met some great companions from last time Meetup trip. They were from Malaysia, Taiwan, and India. They were very friendly, I almost wanted to hug them and said, "Would you be my best friends, please?" (all right, that's a bit over the top). But really, I wouldn't mind having a trip with them again. I think I have to be surrounded by more extroverted people so I can ease my clumsiness. It's such a rare thing for wto be able to connect instantly with new people.

Anyway, here are some pictures from the trip......

About Willpower

If there is one thing I should celebrate this year, is how I cope with my addictive personality. Oh no, I am not a drug addict or alcoholic like that. Addictive personality is several traits that enable a person in developing addictions. Addiction can be in many things, for example, food addiction, game addiction, shopping addiction, or even love addiction. The person having addictive personality usually has impulsive behavior. They sometimes act impulsively without considering the impact of their action. They will feel guilty afterwards. But they just can't help it. They're trapped in the cycle. This trait is also an indication that a person is lack of willpower and is unable to have commitments in goals and values. And as we know, addiction can create stress and depression.

Yes, after I learn more about myself, I am guilty of the above listed traits. I have several bad habits that I want to break free. And I have this love addiction. I used to question myself, why do I keep loving emotionally unavailable men? Now the answer is, because I am addicted to that sort of characters. The emotional unavailability triggers my curiosity and it makes me feel challenged. It is like a task I need to accomplish. When you think relationship is a task to accomplish, then you're doomed. I can see why it never worked out. 

This year I have made a commitment to break free from those people in my past. I don't want those emotionally unavailable people keep haunting my life. I now realize that they are not a perfect match for me, indeed. I don't blame them, but it is a lesson learned. I am committed not to contact them anymore, and I've done it. Yay!

There are also several bad habits that I need to get rid of. One of them is food addiction. Usually when I am stressful, I choose junk food as comfort food. But now I am trying to be a more mindful eater. I make a journal of what I've eaten in a day so I can see if I have failed to eat healthy or not. If I am failed then I'll just write it down. But I don't give up on it. I will continue my attempt the next day. This so far has been working greatly on me because I become more aware of what I eat and what I should avoid. I haven't seen the result yet. But I try not to think about the result but just enjoy the process.

Willpower is the key of every success. Someone who is lack of willpower will not be able to accomplish their goals. To have strong willpower we have to be able to implement delayed gratification. Delayed gratification is the ability to resist the temptation. People usually want instant gratification. For example, I have been working hard today, I will buy pizza for dinner. You do not care that it will ruin your diet and make you start all over again. If we practice delayed gratification, we believe that we're suffering now but we will get long term benefits, e.g. healthy body. Isn't it cool if we're able to practice this? It's indeed a hard work but it will pay off surely one day.

I might develop a new addiction, though..... work addiction -_____- 

Well I hope it's just because I've been busy.... :D