Everybody in the family keeps asking me why I haven't found anyone yet. Why don't I date many guys? Why am I so picky? Well, perhaps I am picky. Because when I don't think someone is right for me, I just don't want to proceed. If there's no butterfly, there's no excitement when I see him, there's no "awe" moments when I listen to their stories, I choose to back off. That's just how I am. It's really hard to define what my type is. It is because I don't have any standard, really. I use my feelings, my instincts when I get to know someone. I love one on one conversation. I love observing his gesture, his eyes, the way he talks. Sounds creepy, huh? But that's how I decide whether or not I am into a guy. Well, of course there were moments of rejections too :(
In my dating history, there were only four people that I fell head over heels in love. I invested my feelings too much in them. But it didn't work out. I don't know what's wrong. Perhaps because I am too available? It's just who I am. When I like someone I would be very expressive. I would be very clingy too sometimes. I would do almost anything for them. That indeed sounds bad. And I've learnt the hardest lesson from that. I learn that I'm usually taken for granted because of that. But then I learn that everyone has a right to love me or to leave me. And it's beyond my control. When someone chooses to walk away, I should think not to take everything personally. May be he has issues with his personality. May be he is too overwhelmed with the relationship. It's basically not because of me. When I learn not to take everything personally, I find my freedom. I am able to forgive those people who have hurt me. I am able to let them go. I am also finally able to manage my expectations on people. Heartache exists because we have too much expectation on people. If we try to be more relaxed in getting to know someone, perhaps we can handle it better :)
And the next question for myself would be if I am willing to settle for less than I deserve. What do I mean as someone less than I deserve? In my definition he would be someone who can't have a good conversation with me. Someone who doesn't give me something I am proud of whenever I mention about him. Someone who doesn't share the same passions as me. For example, I love traveling and he doesn't love to travel at all. I love watching movies but he prefers video games. Someone who doesn't get me at all. Would I settle for that kind of person? May be I could. But will I be happy with him? Will he be happy with me? He may deserve someone better than me. Someone who looks at him like a treasure. Someone who just gets him. I would be willing to compromise on certain things, but the attraction must be there. There must be something I like about him which makes me say, yes. I can do it with him. I don't know what that is. I have different reasons why I like someone. Mostly I like someone because of the same value we share, same passion, same hobbies, etc. I am more like birds of a feather flock together rather than the opposites attract. I choose my people. So when someone enters into my life, it's because I want them, not because I need them. Hell yeah, I am so exclusive, I guess :D
The point is I love being with someone who can challenge me, who brings out the best in me, who gives me new perspective in life. In the end it's not about money or looks, it's how my soul and his soul vibe.
