It's so easy for us to be defensive. When something is wrong, we tend to blame others. When we're late for work, we blame the traffic. When we break up, we blame our partner. When we don't succeed, we blame our parents for not giving us proper upbringing. It's a defense mechanism we put in ourselves. It makes us feel better about ourselves only temporarily. Because it is the ego talking. And by continously feeding ourselves the idea of becoming a victim in every situation, we will never grow (up).
I admit that I played the blame game a lot during my early twenties. My previous boss once told me "Vita, why are you always defensive?". At that time, because I hated him, that was the thing I could do to protect myself. Now I realize that if I was not very defensive may be I didn't hate him much. I didn't put myself as his victim and he would not put too much power over me. Perhaps he would be more cooperative as well. This idea just crossed my mind recently. I guess I have grown up? :D
In addition to professional aspect, I also put myself into a victim part in most of my relationships. I liked Mr. D more than a friend. But he made it clear to me that I was just his friend. He also said that he was not into commitment. And what did I do? I held onto him. I waited for him in case he changed his feelings for me. But he didn't. And I blamed him for leading me on. I didn't realize that I also took part in the game. If I just believed what he said and moved on, I would not hurt that much.
The second experience was with Mr. A. We're of different religion and we also live far away from each other. If I believed what he said in the beginning "I think I can never convert. It's a huge change of lifestyle". And also when he said " Do you think this will work out? We live so far away." Had I been more realistic since the very beginning, I would not blame him if in the end he could not compromise on several things. Our relationship was unbalanced because the compromises were too much. It was not easy and almost impossible, unless yes, there was a miracle. And I was so stubborn and thinking everything would turn out as I imagined.
We're sometimes too caught up in our idealism. We believe that we have certain standard on how things should work. And the worse thing is that we force people to follow our idealism. We hold onto them eventhough there are red flags. We keep on waiting to see if something changes. And if everything does not happen the way we want, we blame them. We don't realize that we are taking part in the 'waiting" process. So, basically it is our own choice. We could have made everything turn out differently, but we chose to stay.
This is a very great lesson I learnt. On how to let go of everything that happened without making myself as a victim. On how to avoid the blame game. I don't say that the other party is not wrong at all. However, to make them look wrong will not make me feel better. What I have to do is admit that I have also made some mistakes. I should promise to myself that I won't do the same mistake anymore. Life is a process of shaping our characters. Along the process, we make mistakes, and it's fine. We will grow everytime we get lessons learnt. We have to get rid of our idealism and perfectionism. No situation is perfect and nobody is perfect. We live in a real world, not in utopia. By realizing this, we will be more forgiving toward others. We can also live more peacefully because we don't hold grudges and resentment. It's a part of turning from a selfish person into a selfless one.
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